The Reality of Patriarchy in India: Women Treating Patriarchy as Good Manners

I woke up to what seemed like a typical weekend morning. Before we even thought about making tea, we were sitting on the couch, just looking outside and taking in the surreal nature. Then, I opened WhatsApp and saw an Instagram reel my mom had sent me. It showed a newly married woman moving into her in-laws' house, making sweets for them while the rest of the family—including her husband—just sat outside waiting to be served.
Many Indian women grew up hating cooking. Here’s why:

It was never a choice. It was an obligation.

We watched mothers cook endlessly while fathers waited to be served.

Even when exhausted. Even when sick. Because “good women cook.”

It was tied to our worth as future wives.

“Learn to cook, or how will you manage your husband’s house?”

Our value is reduced to round rotis and perfect dal.

It meant servitude, not creativity.

Cook what HE likes. Serve HIM first. Your preferences? Irrelevant.

It was unpaid, unappreciated labor.

Mothers cooked daily for decades. No acknowledgment. Just “it’s your duty.”

It was used to judge and compare.

“Sharma aunty’s daughter cooks better. What kind of girl are you?”

It meant giving up our time while men had leisure.

Brothers played. Fathers relaxed. Women stayed in the kitchen. Always.

So we resented cooking.

Not because we hated food. But because it represented obligation, servitude, judgment, unpaid labor, and loss of freedom.

What’s different now:

When I cook on my own terms:

I cook when I WANT to
I experiment with what interests ME
My husband cooks too - it’s shared
Some days neither of us cooks
Cooking is optional, not my identity

And suddenly? It’s actually enjoyable sometimes.

Because it’s CHOICE now. Not obligation. Not a measure of worth.

To women who hate cooking: You’re not broken. You hate what it REPRESENTED - obligation and servitude.

To parents: Teach cooking as a life skill, not wifely duty. Teach sons equally. Make it optional and creative, not gendered and forced.

It made me realize exactly why he is called a "husband" and not a "partner." Here in the West (at least in the Netherlands), it is common for women to refer to their spouses as partners because they actually act as partners in everything they do together—cooking, playing with the kids, going to work, traveling, and managing finances.

Why a daughter is expected to leave her family to take care of her husband's parents, while a son stays behind to care for his own. It begs the question: why are children treated as retirement plans? Your savings and investments should be your retirement plan, rather than expecting your kids to move in and care for you.

And that is just one piece of the puzzle. Women are also expected to wear traditional Indian clothes and constantly look like a "newlywed," while the husband doesn't have to change his clothing style at all, simply because he is a man. I am not saying Indian clothes are bad; it is the rigid expectation behind them that I object to. What a woman wears should always be her own choice.

Okay, coming back to the video: I really don’t understand this one thing that why we think serving others is considered a part of mostly women’s manners.

But I have a question:

Who decided that? And why do we still need to follow that?

For years, women have been pulled down by society and now we’ve put this idea into their heads — that if they don’t serve the men in the house, they are not sanskaari.

It’s shocking that we are living in 2025 and still a woman’s worth is often measured by how well she can cook and take care of her family, especially after marriage.

And the most frustrating and funniest thing?

The moment we question it, we’re silenced by the excuse that this is “culture” and “tradition.”

But let’s be honest — that’s not culture. That’s conditioning.

And most people just follow it blindly, even without knowing that it is so wrong.

Now, before anyone starts questioning me, “What is wrong with helping and serving people?”

Let me make it clear: there’s nothing really wrong.

Showing kindness and helping others is a basic human decency, and everyone should try to help each other.

But when serving is seen just a feminine requirement, that’s where the unfairness begins. Some traditions need to be retired now.

Questions I want to ask:
1. Why is wearing jewellery seen as a sign of being married? I remember during the wedding ceremony , when the girl is expected to wear mangalsutra and some toe rings, just because she is girl, while the husband is not enforced into wearing. It should be a choice, if she likes it she will wear it, don't make it a tradition simply, because the black beads can protect you from evil and the silver toe rings can keep you grounded

2. Why is a woman expected to leave her house and serve her husband’s parents, while her husband visits her parents only as a guest? Just imagine, the food is prepared, kept on the dining table and then your mom ask you to serve it to him, just because he is a guest. If he is a guest, why do you call him "son-in-law"? Everyday, when your son is eating lunch/dinner do you serve him like this , if yes, stop doing it, because when he grows up, he would still expect his wife to do it.

3. Why is a father’s surname automatically passed on to children, but the mother’s surname is never really considered? The child should have a option what he/she wants, just because it is his/her own name. 

4. Why are women judged for what they wear? We all know about the stereotypical "Auntie" who magically appears to judge a woman's clothing when she is just minding her own business. While men can just throw on a t-shirt without a second thought, women has to constantly analyze where she is going, who will be there, and whether her outfit will cause people to stare at her. I see girls/women in my office/ supermarkets/ everywhere  wearings shorts, sleveless tops, capris, pants, and no one judges anyone  but the moment I have to visit  india, I have to filter out my wardrobe, because I still don't feel comfortable wearing certain dresses in the city where I grew up.

5.  Why is unpaid household labor not recognized as real work? Okay, not every women would like to go for work, some would stay home and do household chores. Why can't men start rewarding them , instead of thinking that she came to my house for doing this. 

I think it’s a high time when we should break these patterns and breaking them requires real conscious effort.

Home, Kitchens, offices, classrooms, streets, and even in the words we speak on a daily basis has air of patriarchy in it.