Sorry I am booked.

Sorry I am booked.

They say intoxication is dangerous , because of the addiction. Experience the high one , lose yourself to euphoria and you will come back for more. You will return again and again and keep on coming back because it is never enough.How could it be ? How could you ever get enough of that reality , an escape from reality? How could you get enough of freedom, power and magic?

Eden. Inferno. Salvation.Damnation. All rolled inside me.

Now , before you get any ideas , I do not support alcoholism and drug abuse. This is intoxication of different kind.

This is an undeniable allure; one for which I am powerless against. The scent of paper and ink and the crackle of pages turned for first time. The softness of leather bound spines, and the richness of glossy jackets give me the key to library and leave me in peace. Let me make new friends and fall in love too. Let me reacquaint with my old long lost friends and old lovers. Let me mourn the departed friends and lost loves. But most of all, let me discover the hidden me.

Books have been an escape from myself, as well as mirrors into my soul. I find peace in their pages and acceptance within their words, movies don't attract me at all. My imagination has unfurled within them , and wonders come to my life by the magic of words. I have seen, heard, smelt tasted, sensed and touched ; all through their intricate spell woven by them.

I am a girl. I am a boy. I am a man. I am a woman. I am alive and I have been dead too. I have possed bodies and taken over senses. I have traveled the world, hopped dimensions  and walked through time. I have world's at my fingertips and dimensions within my arm's reach. I have lived through aeons and seen myths unfold. I am a dreamer, a thinker, a alchemist , a wizard, a witch ,a spy , an elf, a scientist , a detective , a GOD , a titan, a sorcerer and so much more.

I have lived so many lifetimes within mine own that they have melded together to create one harmonious melody that thrums my veins . I have seen through the eyes of those I read and the spoken words fallen from their lips. I have lived with them and learned with them. I have imbibed their  experience and learned their knowledge . For all those who say books are fictional couldn't be more wrong. The words may be fictional, the magic may not exist , the apocalypse may not be upon us , but the characters are real. They are as human as any of us and their thoughts and ideas are reflection of them.

With all this said , whenever I have blown someone off for a book, saying that I was busy or I had another appointment , it was no lie. I told you truth , you just couldn't perceive it. After all, it can't be more obvious than " I am Book-ed".

As for all those who belong to the section of e-books and electronic readers , "I am sorry". "I am sorry that you will never know the sensuous pleasure of reading a true book, and how it assails four out of five senses.

"Books have soul". "Pieces of metals do not".

Lost Within Myself

What does it feel like to be lost, battling demons within your own head? What does it feel like to no longer know yourself, and hate who you have become? How do you push yourself on? If you are someone going through it, I hope you find a voice in my words. If you know someone going through it, I hope my words help you see through their eyes.

This is not a journal , not a book. This might not even be a story. 

This is merely an expression.
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And this may not make the least bit of sense , bit it doesn't have to. 
I am not ill . I may not be completely healthy either , but that does not mean I am unfit to do anything.Although there are many things that are beyond my capability ( Mathematics in Photonics is one such thing!) . I know , I am not at that full efficiency ( I do make silly calculation mistakes , and I get lost often , my directions aren't that good either!) , but I don't have any delusions for that. 

But then who am I ? What am I ? How am I? 
I do not know how to explain any of it. I don't understand it myself and yet I must. 
It's a fine conundrum indeed !

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I don't know from where to begin, so I'll write whatever comes to my mind, and when it comes on my mind. 
People keep on assuming that I am sad, I'm not. I'm not just happy.There were many things I wanted to do ( learn canvas , learn publishing , learn abacus, win spell bee competition ) , but what I am doing ? Learning silly mathematics, which doesn't even makes sense in life. People tell to make life simple, but maths start with complex analysis , why do complex things when things can be simple enough. 

I used to think that only pink and red , wrong or right , Sad or Happy , True or False. Then I grew up and I was introduces to something whose acquaintance I made for a while , but became intimately acquainted with only now. 

The fine line of gray which runs between everything.

Computers, electrical circuits , digital circuits and mathematics have very strict rules. There is no vagueness and no ambiguity. I am going to get slightly technical now , but I'll try to explain it in simpler terms. A boolean variable is one which assumes only two values- TRUE or FALSE. Each of these values is a negation of the other. ( Negation is denoted using ! and it denotes "not equal to"). 
TRUE!=FALSE
!TRUE=FALSE
!FALSE=TRUE

Either here or there , I wish this could be applied in reality too! What computers, Mathematics and even people fail to understand is that SAD!=NOT SAD and SAD!=HAPPY . does not imply that NOT SAD=HAPPY
Conversely, "!HAPPY!=!(NOT SAD) which implies HAPPY!=SAD

I am not happy , I am not sad either. 
I'll agree that I have more negative emotions than positive ones. That is not the problem. The problem is general case-when I don't have any emotions and I feel nothing. For a lack of better word, I am numb. 

The world seemed dulled since a quite few months. Colours seems bleached. Time moves differently . Sometimes, it races by and sometimes it competes with a snail , and snail always wins. I have to attend all those silly Lectures in Photonics , where time crawls even slower than snails. Those lectures are like seeing through a tracing paper and listening through a cotton wool. Everything is there, but it's not . It's just a myth. I was living a dream few days back in home, but here I am living a nightmare. Appetite suddenly drops. Sleep alternates between being a closest companion during the day and an elusive enemy during the night. And head always threatens to implode. Constant, dull pain at center of forehead , utter exhaustion throughout the body . Relaxation feels like a myth , or sleep maybe. 

Life becomes one big contradiction. You want something at one time, at another time, it feels useless. You crave something, and then you detest it. You want to get better, but then people ask you , what if it won't get better. At the end, it's all you. It's all in your head.Therefore, the only one who can make you better is you. 

How do you fix something , when you don't even know where the damage is? What do you do , when you no longer know who you are? 

It sounds ridiculous , but it's the truth. It feels like you have been separated into two - "am" and "was" . I don't even know which is real. Who I was few years back seems a dream now. What I have becomes today is a complete mess. Who, then are you? You are an amalgamation of all your selves. There is fact and then there is fiction. Union and Intersection or maybe even conflict. But certainly there is contradiction. In the midst of all this, is you. 

Or is that me.?

Happy Father's Day

This one's for you , Dad . 

Sure , there are other fatherly figures in my life , but there's only one you. And there' s no one quite like you, except for me . But , you already know that. 

I never had an answer to the questions , "whom do you look up to ?" or what do you want to be when you grow up ?" . I am halfway done with growing up and still clueless as ever.I knew I never looked up to any famous personalities ; they just didn't seem relatable enough. I knew that I looked up to Mom, but even at the wonderful age of six , I knew she had her flaws. It was only at the age of sixteen , that I realized that some part of me has always looked up to Dad too. 

My father is perfectly imperfect . He is loud , hyperactive , overly emotional , prone to temper and at times overly intrusive . In short, the bane of any regular teenage girl's life. 

How fortunate it is for me , then that I have never been a regular teenage girl. 

I am my Daddy's little princess , and I am my Daddy's son. And if you asked us , we would happily certify that we are the only two sane people surrounded by some rather eccentric entities , no doubt. Fashion is beyond us , we tend to be rather extremely insensitive ,accidentally and we are undoubtedly the ones with the best and worst relationship  in the household. 

We have a silent code for communication , which is mostly along the lines of "just listen to whatever they are saying because there is no point trying to explain it". We are the proud founders and members of the United Front Against Jeans don't need to be washed every other day , that's the point of jeans . It is universal truth that the final match of a cricket tournament is more important than dinner , especially if it's de Villiers or Gayle on the crease. Everyone knows that snacks tastes better when they are "mom-disapproved" and "dad-approved". And despite popular opinion, ice cream tastes better in winter. Preferably peak winter , when you are guaranteed to end up with a sore throat after it.

My dad is responsible for my taste in music , movies , games and vacations. I know , how to pack for a fortnight and still fit my stuff , from shoes to electronics into one small suitcase and one small backpack. He  taught me what a road trip truly is. ( The two speed freaks in the front seats having fun and the back benchers sleeping , with the most off key version of songs being played at full volume ) I ate more green vegetables , and raw at that any other kid of my age , I can identify a good amount of flora and fauna , and I have an enviable vocabulary when it comes to names of places . I cannot remember how many times I have got into arguments about the existence of some place that only I seemed to know of, because 1) it was either foreign or it is was so Indian that no one knew it.

 My father taught me how to play . I'm not a musician , nor I am sportsperson .What my father taught me was how to dealt in life. My father taught me how to love unconditionally . He taught me how to read people and how to live with them . He taught me all little things that can make world a difference. 

We also have a huge list of "this stays between us secrets , but I can't tell you those . Because that stays between us. 

They say that girls look their fathers in all the boys they meet. If that is true , then I assure you that I am going to die single , because there is absolutely no way that anyone will ever match up . So , dad you are stuck with me for life , not going anywhere.

Love you Dad .  

Happy Mother's Day !

This piece isn't strictly for my mom . This is for her , and all those aunts , friends teachers, cousins and all of those mommy figures in my life. I hope this shows you what you mean to me.

My mom has always been so much more. I owe half my genetic material and a good amount of my character to her. No words can surface to express in their entity what she is - what all mothers are.

Giving birth to someone does not make you a parent whether  you are adopted or not , makes no difference .If I have brought you up for all these years ,and loved you for every second of it -I am your mother ,flesh and blood.

Making things clear , I am not adopted .But , those words are indeed my mother's . The background doesn't matters, the content does.

This is dedicated to my mother and to all those wonderful, wonderful women , who have been a motherly figure to me , at some point in my life , even if for a few moments .This is for every woman out there who can find some part of herself in my words , no matter who you are.

Here's to you .All of you .

To the woman who has been a friend , and a confidante at all times .From listening to my drama to sharing your own, yeah you do sometimes , she has done it all. We have spoken like equals , and at times ,even swapped roles. We have laughed ourselves silly over oddest of things ,and discussed in depth , the most boring topics. We have gossiped like teenagers and argues like professionals.

She will yell at me to put my phone aside , yet she will be the one to ask how some complicated function will work. She will go on and on about how I read to much and damage my eyesight ,but she will be the one to call me from some random city airport asking me whether I had like so and so book. She will lecture me about spending too much time on my friend's problem - "sort your own mess first , your life is in shambles." but she will be the one listening to all my rants and providing solution to problems that aren't even her concern.

She is forgetful ,and I am forever running around to locate her misplaced phone, purse whenever I am home. She is hopeless ,and she speaks her language of her own , one that I have learnt to decode after years of practice.

What she says - "The remote is next to the microwave "
What she means - "The phone is next to TV"

My mom is ordinary , not exceedingly rich , not drop down gorgeous , no glamour , No fame , yet she is the most extra ordinary woman I have ever seen.

Heaven knows how she deals with people. If I could have a 10th of her patience , my life would be a million times easier . She does same things day in and day out and yet she has the same energy of a 10 year old girl.

I could write and write , and still fall short of words . How could someone describe someone who is everything ?

This is a mother .She is caring ( " She asks me everytime , beta khana khaya " ) , No matter how much I grow , I am always that lil baby to her . Her smile is the most beautiful thing in this world .

Happy Mother's day Maa <3   

CGPA is just a number , go beyond that

It is not over until you win !!

 When you were a three year old kid , every teacher in school , every parent in home  " Kid , count your fingers "Öne , Two , Three " and that's how you enter the world with numbers . Until you are five , these numbers only remain a number till you turn six and then the silly GPA system starts .

It's going to be 22 years for me since I came into this cruel world , where at every point of life , even now when I landed up doing Master's in Germany , parents are like "Beta uska GPA toh itna aaya tha , tmhara itna kam kiyu hai ? Parents don't understand you , don't understand what are you going through , they just think GPA is good , so you are good . When I came here to do Master's , no one asks me what was your GPA , instead they ask me what project did you work on in your Bachelor , what practical knowledge you have ?  Trust me GPA is just a number , a number like one , two , three . Don't dishearten yourself if you have a low GPA , just have a sound knowledge .  

Trust me , in these 22 years , what I realized it , GPA is just a number , a number which you used to learn it in your kindergarten days , let them remain a number forever , don't turn them into nightmares . They are simply a reflection of what you wrote in exam on that day , and not the knowledge you have inside your mind .

I remember the dialog of the famous 3 idiots movie , " Excellence ke peeche bhago , success jhak maar ke peeche aayegi " .  Live upon that , forget what parents say , they are just a source of building pressure ,  stop comparing yourself , be your unique way , you are unique in every sense .

GPA is a number which is killing so many students , so many young talented students especially in India. You land up doing your bachelor's in IIT and then low GPA strikes you out of institute , this is what happens in India ? Is it worth it , how can anyone judge a student on GPA , when it is just a number .

I had the lowest GPA in my third semester way back in 2013 , well 8.01 for my parents was extremely low , and they scolded me every way they could. Well , that scolding made me cry for the whole where every time I was in constant fear of losing myself , pressures about GPA starts building up like this. Well , now I realize my tears were not worth that 8.01. It doesn't even matters now whether I have a 8 or a 10 . World doesn't judges you on grade ,  in fact world doesn't judge you , you yourself are solely responsible for judging yourself. Grades are just a division , which doesn't decides you future.

I have been through many campus interviews in my bachelor days , almost 5 of them. None of them asked me about grade, trust me a 6 pointer landed up in Robert Bosch , so does the grade really matter's ?  Don't fear grades , Fear is not good for life , that is what I realize it today , well four years were more than a nightmare for me about constant GPA I had to maintain , that parental and societal pressure , which never ends . In Germany , your grades in your CV is what they look at the last , they look at your efficiency , I have gone through so many discussions in universities as well as in companies , they simply ask what do you know , rather than asking what GPA you had . Well , I realized it here , GPA is just a number not your life . GPA is not worth for which you lose your life. Well , GPA made me fear death when I was 17 .

Realize your potential , and conquer the world . Rejections are just a part of life , bare with them . Even I had rejections , worst rejections I could ever imagine . But world never ended up with me, my hard work gave me new ways to realize myself , I had a rejection from Mu-Sigma interview at 3AM in night , believe me 30 July 2015 was worst night of my life I thought of jumping down when I realized I had something better than Mu-Sigma   , 30 July 2016,  I am in Germany because of my hard work , GPA never mattered here , it was my projects and work that landed me here . 31 March 2015 , TATA-POWER rejection in HR interview where they had complaints about my English and my age , well without my English proficiency , I couldn't get into top 30 out of 7500 applicants in Karlsruhe School of Optics And Photonics.  

Rejections are just a part of life , and not a end to life , they simply mean something better is on your way . To sum up with this ,

Dear Lost Friendship , I still keep it with you .

Our friendship was beautiful , it isn't anymore. We lost contacts , we lost connections , and everything. But one thing which will forever keep us connected , we live in some part of our planet Earth , unfortunately not knowing where you are or where I am .

Long time back , when we were  teenagers , people were jealous of our friendship , which ended as the school ended. DPS gave me the best memories to forever cherish for , but it gave me many  unfortunate happenings , the major one was losing you .  For me it was not friendship it was something beyond it "SOMETHING" is still undefined for me , neither  it was for you . I still can't figure out whether it was a childhood crush , or it was simply a deeper insight into friendship.

 You were Like a glass of chilled water to me who’d walked for miles in the scorching heat to get my admit card from my home which I could never forget, like ghungroo to a classical dancer, like the microphone to a performer. And like oxygen to me.

You came like moonlight and left like sunshine, and in the entire while you stayed, you were a whirlwind. You were medicine, and I had withdrawal symptoms. You were a shooting star, and I had night blindness.

We were all the puzzle pieces that didn’t fit together, yet with you by my side, our picture felt complete.

You taught me to see colours in monochrome, windows in houses and stardust in humans. You taught me not to fall, when all I did was stumble. And when your eyes met mine in the masquerade, I knew I wanted to be loved too, even if only by you.

You taught me how to read physics , you gave me the motivation to write my second paper in JEE , you gave the best birthday gift I could ever get in my life. It was not something a materialistic gift like a card , or a birthday present . It was something much more than that. With your left leg fractured , you came to my home just to wish me .

After the board exams were done , you didn't say me a bye like all other's did , but a good bye .

For me Good Bye's are not forever

Good Bye's are not an end , but it ended

They simply mean , I'll miss you

Until we meet again !

Of all the things that could have been, you taught me some stories are not meant to be written, some songs are more sacred than others, that some eyes twinkle more than all the stars in the sky.

It was just a last glimpse of you , when I forever said you Bubye from railway station , when you landed up doing bachelor's from IIT Bombay , and I landed up in a mediocre college . You were exactly what I wanted today , but I don't have it . It's correct , what you want you will never get it .

HOW CHASING JOY CHANGED MY LIFE

LIFE IS NOT ABOUT LIVING TO FULFILL YOUR DREAMS..OR TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS.. YOUR LIVING UP TO THE SOCIETY'S EXPECTATIONS... IT'S ALL ABOUT RECREATING YOURSELF

There have been many things that I’ve chased in my life: certifications, grades,promotions, friendships, health, security, clarity, confidence…the list goes on.

It’s only recently, however, that I discovered that the only thing that I really needed to chase was joy.

We live in a society that tends to value achievement over fulfillment and busyness over inner peace. We feel pressured to always be working towards a goal. Always creating, building, and striving.

We really aren’t encouraged to take time to sit with ourselves, to connect with our inner voice, and to allow our journey through life to unfold. In fact, taking time to savor everyday moments is often perceived as lazy or a luxury.

It wasn’t long ago that I was feeling overwhelmed by my life. I was getting caught in the cycle of busy. I was feeling the weight of being a student and daughter or a sister . Everyday life was starting to feel heavy, and I noticed that I was often feeling stressed out and frustrated throughout the day. I started to wonder if it was possible to experience more ease and joy as I continued to navigate the challenges that came up and worked towards my goals.

Rather than crumble under the weight I was feeling, I made a choice to chase joy over achievement. I didn’t really know where to start, so I began by simply taking three minutes each day to self analyze myself about what I actually needed that day. Those three minutes started a shift that created a complete re prioritization of what was important in my life.

I felt drawn to the practices that first started me on my journey inward several years ago. I started reincorporating these practices in short bursts throughout my day. I took the time to notice the things that were going great in my life. I worked on spending more time with the people I cared about.

Slowly, I started noticing a change. I was spending a lot more time feeling at ease, feeling grateful and feeling content than I had been in a long time.

It became very clear to me that chasing any sort of external accomplishments or recognition would never lead to the kind of internal joy that most of us crave. Sure, reaching our goals can be fantastic, but the journey towards them can be equally as fantastic, if not better!

I realized that we don’t have to wait for any change in our lives, any circumstance to happen or go away, or any person to enter or leave our lives to start feeling good. We can start chasing joy today.

How can you chase joy in your everyday life? What makes you feel inspired? Grateful? Alive? How can you bring more of those experiences into your life, even just as mini bursts of joy throughout your day? It’s amazing how even just 3 minutes can change your day.

Imagine how your life might change if you made chasing joy your priority. Try it for yourself and see!