What does it feel like to be lost, battling demons within your own head? What does it feel like to no longer know yourself, and hate who you have become? How do you push yourself on? If you are someone going through it, I hope you find a voice in my words. If you know someone going through it, I hope my words help you see through their eyes.
This is not a journal , not a book. This might not even be a story.
This is merely an expression.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And this may not make the least bit of sense , bit it doesn't have to.
I am not ill . I may not be completely healthy either , but that does not mean I am unfit to do anything.Although there are many things that are beyond my capability ( Mathematics in Photonics is one such thing!) . I know , I am not at that full efficiency ( I do make silly calculation mistakes , and I get lost often , my directions aren't that good either!) , but I don't have any delusions for that.
But then who am I ? What am I ? How am I?
I do not know how to explain any of it. I don't understand it myself and yet I must.
It's a fine conundrum indeed !
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I don't know from where to begin, so I'll write whatever comes to my mind, and when it comes on my mind.
People keep on assuming that I am sad, I'm not. I'm not just happy.There were many things I wanted to do ( learn canvas , learn publishing , learn abacus, win spell bee competition ) , but what I am doing ? Learning silly mathematics, which doesn't even makes sense in life. People tell to make life simple, but maths start with complex analysis , why do complex things when things can be simple enough.
I used to think that only pink and red , wrong or right , Sad or Happy , True or False. Then I grew up and I was introduces to something whose acquaintance I made for a while , but became intimately acquainted with only now.
The fine line of gray which runs between everything.
Computers, electrical circuits , digital circuits and mathematics have very strict rules. There is no vagueness and no ambiguity. I am going to get slightly technical now , but I'll try to explain it in simpler terms. A boolean variable is one which assumes only two values- TRUE or FALSE. Each of these values is a negation of the other. ( Negation is denoted using ! and it denotes "not equal to").
TRUE!=FALSE
!TRUE=FALSE
!FALSE=TRUE
Either here or there , I wish this could be applied in reality too! What computers, Mathematics and even people fail to understand is that SAD!=NOT SAD and SAD!=HAPPY . does not imply that NOT SAD=HAPPY
Conversely, "!HAPPY!=!(NOT SAD) which implies HAPPY!=SAD
I am not happy , I am not sad either.
I'll agree that I have more negative emotions than positive ones. That is not the problem. The problem is general case-when I don't have any emotions and I feel nothing. For a lack of better word, I am numb.
The world seemed dulled since a quite few months. Colours seems bleached. Time moves differently . Sometimes, it races by and sometimes it competes with a snail , and snail always wins. I have to attend all those silly Lectures in Photonics , where time crawls even slower than snails. Those lectures are like seeing through a tracing paper and listening through a cotton wool. Everything is there, but it's not . It's just a myth. I was living a dream few days back in home, but here I am living a nightmare. Appetite suddenly drops. Sleep alternates between being a closest companion during the day and an elusive enemy during the night. And head always threatens to implode. Constant, dull pain at center of forehead , utter exhaustion throughout the body . Relaxation feels like a myth , or sleep maybe.
Life becomes one big contradiction. You want something at one time, at another time, it feels useless. You crave something, and then you detest it. You want to get better, but then people ask you , what if it won't get better. At the end, it's all you. It's all in your head.Therefore, the only one who can make you better is you.
How do you fix something , when you don't even know where the damage is? What do you do , when you no longer know who you are?
It sounds ridiculous , but it's the truth. It feels like you have been separated into two - "am" and "was" . I don't even know which is real. Who I was few years back seems a dream now. What I have becomes today is a complete mess. Who, then are you? You are an amalgamation of all your selves. There is fact and then there is fiction. Union and Intersection or maybe even conflict. But certainly there is contradiction. In the midst of all this, is you.
Or is that me.?
This is not a journal , not a book. This might not even be a story.
This is merely an expression.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And this may not make the least bit of sense , bit it doesn't have to.
I am not ill . I may not be completely healthy either , but that does not mean I am unfit to do anything.Although there are many things that are beyond my capability ( Mathematics in Photonics is one such thing!) . I know , I am not at that full efficiency ( I do make silly calculation mistakes , and I get lost often , my directions aren't that good either!) , but I don't have any delusions for that.
But then who am I ? What am I ? How am I?
I do not know how to explain any of it. I don't understand it myself and yet I must.
It's a fine conundrum indeed !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know from where to begin, so I'll write whatever comes to my mind, and when it comes on my mind.
People keep on assuming that I am sad, I'm not. I'm not just happy.There were many things I wanted to do ( learn canvas , learn publishing , learn abacus, win spell bee competition ) , but what I am doing ? Learning silly mathematics, which doesn't even makes sense in life. People tell to make life simple, but maths start with complex analysis , why do complex things when things can be simple enough.
I used to think that only pink and red , wrong or right , Sad or Happy , True or False. Then I grew up and I was introduces to something whose acquaintance I made for a while , but became intimately acquainted with only now.
The fine line of gray which runs between everything.
Computers, electrical circuits , digital circuits and mathematics have very strict rules. There is no vagueness and no ambiguity. I am going to get slightly technical now , but I'll try to explain it in simpler terms. A boolean variable is one which assumes only two values- TRUE or FALSE. Each of these values is a negation of the other. ( Negation is denoted using ! and it denotes "not equal to").
TRUE!=FALSE
!TRUE=FALSE
!FALSE=TRUE
Either here or there , I wish this could be applied in reality too! What computers, Mathematics and even people fail to understand is that SAD!=NOT SAD and SAD!=HAPPY . does not imply that NOT SAD=HAPPY
Conversely, "!HAPPY!=!(NOT SAD) which implies HAPPY!=SAD
I am not happy , I am not sad either.
I'll agree that I have more negative emotions than positive ones. That is not the problem. The problem is general case-when I don't have any emotions and I feel nothing. For a lack of better word, I am numb.
The world seemed dulled since a quite few months. Colours seems bleached. Time moves differently . Sometimes, it races by and sometimes it competes with a snail , and snail always wins. I have to attend all those silly Lectures in Photonics , where time crawls even slower than snails. Those lectures are like seeing through a tracing paper and listening through a cotton wool. Everything is there, but it's not . It's just a myth. I was living a dream few days back in home, but here I am living a nightmare. Appetite suddenly drops. Sleep alternates between being a closest companion during the day and an elusive enemy during the night. And head always threatens to implode. Constant, dull pain at center of forehead , utter exhaustion throughout the body . Relaxation feels like a myth , or sleep maybe.
Life becomes one big contradiction. You want something at one time, at another time, it feels useless. You crave something, and then you detest it. You want to get better, but then people ask you , what if it won't get better. At the end, it's all you. It's all in your head.Therefore, the only one who can make you better is you.
How do you fix something , when you don't even know where the damage is? What do you do , when you no longer know who you are?
It sounds ridiculous , but it's the truth. It feels like you have been separated into two - "am" and "was" . I don't even know which is real. Who I was few years back seems a dream now. What I have becomes today is a complete mess. Who, then are you? You are an amalgamation of all your selves. There is fact and then there is fiction. Union and Intersection or maybe even conflict. But certainly there is contradiction. In the midst of all this, is you.
Or is that me.?
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