Lost is definitely a good place to be in.

A girl… lost in her dreams… wild, beautiful, enigmatic dreams,

With her wide open eyes.

Everything blurred in front of her,

All she is able to see is her dream!

“Slappppppp!!!!!!”

‘What are you into Enigma!? Concentrate on the book that’s in front of you!

This girl can think of everything else than what is needed to think!’ -Mom

‘Mom I am studying…. And trying to go through….’ -Enigma

‘What do you mean by go through?’ -Mom

‘I studied the law of gravitation and was imagining that everything has an antonym.

What if we find an element that repels gravitation?

Just like magnets which attracts and reflects.

We won’t need extra efforts to stay away from gravitation to fly.

What ifff……….’ -Enigma

“Tappp on head!”

‘End these useless imaginations,

Read that is written,

Learn that is written,

Thorough that is written!’ -Mom

‘Mom can’t the written be wrong?’ -Enigma

‘I don’t know dear… We are too poor to think of all this. I just know if you learn that is written, you will get good marks and you will get a good job!’ -Mom

‘But thinking, imagining doesn’t require money! So what’s about poverty? Whatever I am studying is not whole… it is just up to the level we (mankind) have reached… We need to grow from here. Studying can help us understand about other’s research but we need to believe in ourselves and take it forward…’ -Enigma

‘Enigma I don’t get what you are saying but I just know you need to study! If you want to dream you can join the homeless club of madness down the street!’ -Mom

‘Mom… What good will I be, being normal like everyone else? Why not do exceptional and grace the whole world?’ -Enigma

‘Yeah-Yeah… funny! Now you better be studying else you’ll not get your snacks today!’ -Mom

‘Ok Mom!’ -Enigma

It’s the reflection of our society!

Don’t we encapsulate our mind and force over selves to follow the league set by society norms?

Aren’t we stopped from doing what we love, for doing what they think is good in their terms?

Doesn’t our dreams shatter or vanish with high demand of society for our time?

Dreaming is what makes us believe in things that does not exist and makes possibility of them to exist down the line.

Give us hope, Give us happiness and Give us enthusiasm.

Give your dream wings,

Let them fly high,

Much higher than the set parameters.

Nurture them, believe in them,

Don’t be too realistic,

Being realistic just save you from getting hurt,

But dreaming gives you a whole new world!

If you dream…

You believe in possibilities,

You believe in probabilities,

You believe in magic and yeah you may make them happen!

There is always a possibility if you don’t be too stubbornly realistic.

If you cannot dream it! You cannot do it!

Imagine if no one dreamt of flying then no one could have built an airplane.

Nowadays education limit our boundaries and sets us in a box to believe in proven rules and regulations.

But rules are made to break!

Fly out the chamber, Look beyond the parameters.

You can see the world better from high above!

Believe me! It’s way clearer from the top.

Dream is the 1st step…

Implementation is the journey

Created history is a legacy!

Ask your legacy followers to dream beyond your legacy and implement it to create their own.

Whatever we study is a legacy but we need enhancements and

We can only do it if we

D ream! I magine! & I mplement!

Upside Life- Fight through the worst of your times

It's through Challenges I have been living. The struggles have been real, but I never had the thought of give up until today.

"When I was born, I wasn't even breathing , I was put on life support. Soon, I got into coma and my life took a upside turn.
The doctors told my parents that I wouldn't survive , but my parents wanted to fight for me , for them  I was their first child. I fought and braved all the storms to come back home.
At the age of 3 , I did not have the ability to listen , or to speak. Everyone , used to say she will never speak , put her in a special school. She is not a normal girl, unfortunately I had been listening it since a quite few years  . Among all this , my dad had enough courage to get me a transplant , my ears were not capable enough to listen. The surgery became complicated, till they found internal bleeding in my brain. Doctors gave me a 96 percent death rate , they said go home, but my dad looked at my glass being 4 percent full and not 96 percent empty.

The doctors tried everything but nothing worked- once a doctor said "Just pray that she passes away soon". He even said there is no chance of survival, take your girl home and allow her to live with family for next few months, because there is nothing that we can do. But we do have choices in life , and the choices we make can redefine and re-mould our future. My dad asked one question, I don't know what are the chances of my daughter dying is , I just want to know what are chances my daughter surviving is? They even said if she would be a miracle baby , she would survive. I truly believe that outside of love , HOPE is the most powerful word in English dictionary. I survived , fortunately. I am among the lucky ones, but I am not the lucky ones because that I am still alive , I am the lucky ones becuase I wasn't my dad. My dad had it tough , how can he see his daughter dying in front of him. Doctors said to my dad, she will never go to school, she would never play games, she would be a housebound baby, and even if she reaches her teenage years , it would be a miracle.

But I made it & that day , my dad got a second life. However, life wasn't easy for me - my parents would be pitied when they would walk with m e on street , "Aapki beti toh kabhi bolegi hi nhi". I started going to school, but I had no friends, because I couldn't speak that well. I still listen , that my Hindi isn't that god, but who knows, I have came out of mouth of death two times.

My dad worked on my speaking skills, taught me how to walk, play games and make me grew like a normal,healthy baby .There were a lot of hiccups along the way. I had my first glandular fever when I was 12,  and people kept on telling me that I wouldn't do it. So maybe , I made sure I could really do it. I had my first bacterial meningitis when I was 15 , but I was lucky enough to get a whooping 9.6/10 in my standard 10th along with the best young artist at state level competition . I wasn't that special child, but I was something extraordinary. But you know Life is like a roller coaster , you can get to pinnacle point in your life and it could be taken away in a heart beat. I survived brain fever when I was 17 , and still managed to get 93% in my 12th exams. I couldn't manage to make to most of prestigious engineering colleges , and everyone start blaming me for my brain fever., I was a depressed girl, I thought life wasn't fair and I would pray every night that I wouldn't wake up in morning. I just wanted God to take me. But for every time I was knocked, I always remember what my dad told me, it doesn't matter how many times you get knocked down, how many times you get up truely determines the quality of life.

Until, then I have been fighting all through which came to my path till today when the thought of death arrived today.  But not to forget ,  my dad being my constant motivation. He has been always saying , I am proud of you , you braved enough storms to see where you stand , you are not my ordinary girl, you are one extra-ordinary girl.

Shoot for the moon, even you fall you will land among the stars.

Sorry I am booked.

Sorry I am booked.

They say intoxication is dangerous , because of the addiction. Experience the high one , lose yourself to euphoria and you will come back for more. You will return again and again and keep on coming back because it is never enough.How could it be ? How could you ever get enough of that reality , an escape from reality? How could you get enough of freedom, power and magic?

Eden. Inferno. Salvation.Damnation. All rolled inside me.

Now , before you get any ideas , I do not support alcoholism and drug abuse. This is intoxication of different kind.

This is an undeniable allure; one for which I am powerless against. The scent of paper and ink and the crackle of pages turned for first time. The softness of leather bound spines, and the richness of glossy jackets give me the key to library and leave me in peace. Let me make new friends and fall in love too. Let me reacquaint with my old long lost friends and old lovers. Let me mourn the departed friends and lost loves. But most of all, let me discover the hidden me.

Books have been an escape from myself, as well as mirrors into my soul. I find peace in their pages and acceptance within their words, movies don't attract me at all. My imagination has unfurled within them , and wonders come to my life by the magic of words. I have seen, heard, smelt tasted, sensed and touched ; all through their intricate spell woven by them.

I am a girl. I am a boy. I am a man. I am a woman. I am alive and I have been dead too. I have possed bodies and taken over senses. I have traveled the world, hopped dimensions  and walked through time. I have world's at my fingertips and dimensions within my arm's reach. I have lived through aeons and seen myths unfold. I am a dreamer, a thinker, a alchemist , a wizard, a witch ,a spy , an elf, a scientist , a detective , a GOD , a titan, a sorcerer and so much more.

I have lived so many lifetimes within mine own that they have melded together to create one harmonious melody that thrums my veins . I have seen through the eyes of those I read and the spoken words fallen from their lips. I have lived with them and learned with them. I have imbibed their  experience and learned their knowledge . For all those who say books are fictional couldn't be more wrong. The words may be fictional, the magic may not exist , the apocalypse may not be upon us , but the characters are real. They are as human as any of us and their thoughts and ideas are reflection of them.

With all this said , whenever I have blown someone off for a book, saying that I was busy or I had another appointment , it was no lie. I told you truth , you just couldn't perceive it. After all, it can't be more obvious than " I am Book-ed".

As for all those who belong to the section of e-books and electronic readers , "I am sorry". "I am sorry that you will never know the sensuous pleasure of reading a true book, and how it assails four out of five senses.

"Books have soul". "Pieces of metals do not".

Lost Within Myself

What does it feel like to be lost, battling demons within your own head? What does it feel like to no longer know yourself, and hate who you have become? How do you push yourself on? If you are someone going through it, I hope you find a voice in my words. If you know someone going through it, I hope my words help you see through their eyes.

This is not a journal , not a book. This might not even be a story. 

This is merely an expression.
.
.
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And this may not make the least bit of sense , bit it doesn't have to. 
I am not ill . I may not be completely healthy either , but that does not mean I am unfit to do anything.Although there are many things that are beyond my capability ( Mathematics in Photonics is one such thing!) . I know , I am not at that full efficiency ( I do make silly calculation mistakes , and I get lost often , my directions aren't that good either!) , but I don't have any delusions for that. 

But then who am I ? What am I ? How am I? 
I do not know how to explain any of it. I don't understand it myself and yet I must. 
It's a fine conundrum indeed !

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I don't know from where to begin, so I'll write whatever comes to my mind, and when it comes on my mind. 
People keep on assuming that I am sad, I'm not. I'm not just happy.There were many things I wanted to do ( learn canvas , learn publishing , learn abacus, win spell bee competition ) , but what I am doing ? Learning silly mathematics, which doesn't even makes sense in life. People tell to make life simple, but maths start with complex analysis , why do complex things when things can be simple enough. 

I used to think that only pink and red , wrong or right , Sad or Happy , True or False. Then I grew up and I was introduces to something whose acquaintance I made for a while , but became intimately acquainted with only now. 

The fine line of gray which runs between everything.

Computers, electrical circuits , digital circuits and mathematics have very strict rules. There is no vagueness and no ambiguity. I am going to get slightly technical now , but I'll try to explain it in simpler terms. A boolean variable is one which assumes only two values- TRUE or FALSE. Each of these values is a negation of the other. ( Negation is denoted using ! and it denotes "not equal to"). 
TRUE!=FALSE
!TRUE=FALSE
!FALSE=TRUE

Either here or there , I wish this could be applied in reality too! What computers, Mathematics and even people fail to understand is that SAD!=NOT SAD and SAD!=HAPPY . does not imply that NOT SAD=HAPPY
Conversely, "!HAPPY!=!(NOT SAD) which implies HAPPY!=SAD

I am not happy , I am not sad either. 
I'll agree that I have more negative emotions than positive ones. That is not the problem. The problem is general case-when I don't have any emotions and I feel nothing. For a lack of better word, I am numb. 

The world seemed dulled since a quite few months. Colours seems bleached. Time moves differently . Sometimes, it races by and sometimes it competes with a snail , and snail always wins. I have to attend all those silly Lectures in Photonics , where time crawls even slower than snails. Those lectures are like seeing through a tracing paper and listening through a cotton wool. Everything is there, but it's not . It's just a myth. I was living a dream few days back in home, but here I am living a nightmare. Appetite suddenly drops. Sleep alternates between being a closest companion during the day and an elusive enemy during the night. And head always threatens to implode. Constant, dull pain at center of forehead , utter exhaustion throughout the body . Relaxation feels like a myth , or sleep maybe. 

Life becomes one big contradiction. You want something at one time, at another time, it feels useless. You crave something, and then you detest it. You want to get better, but then people ask you , what if it won't get better. At the end, it's all you. It's all in your head.Therefore, the only one who can make you better is you. 

How do you fix something , when you don't even know where the damage is? What do you do , when you no longer know who you are? 

It sounds ridiculous , but it's the truth. It feels like you have been separated into two - "am" and "was" . I don't even know which is real. Who I was few years back seems a dream now. What I have becomes today is a complete mess. Who, then are you? You are an amalgamation of all your selves. There is fact and then there is fiction. Union and Intersection or maybe even conflict. But certainly there is contradiction. In the midst of all this, is you. 

Or is that me.?